What Is Parentification? Plus, Why Healing This Childhood Wound Is Vital to Your Well-Being

Do you ever feel the weight of the world on your shoulders or like it’s your job to take care of the needs of others, often at the expense of your own? This sense of over-responsibility — and the guilt, anxiety, and burnout that comes with it — may be a consequence of how you were parented.

According to Dr. Thai Alonso, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in trauma, emotional well-being, and relational dynamics, many of us grew up in homes where there was an inability or an unwillingness in our parent(s) or caregiver(s) to meet our needs. As a result, we might have consciously or unconsciously felt the need to “step up” and take on responsibilities that we, as children, weren’t adequately equipped to handle.

This psychological dynamic is known as parentification, or role reversal — and it can profoundly affect your mental and emotional health not just in childhood, but in adulthood, too.

Interested in learning more? Check out How to Heal From a Parentified Childhood.

Meet Your Teacher: Dr. Thai Alonso

As the eldest daughter of immigrant parents who often found herself in the role of the family’s “culture broker,” Dr. Alonso has a deep understanding of how early childhood experiences shape adult emotional patterns.

“I’ve always been very mindful of the child-parent role. And then, throughout my training to be a therapist, I was lucky to have the opportunity to work with children as young as age 2 all the way to the elderly, in a variety of treatment settings,” she says. The one thing that is universal, she notes, is how important relationships are for our mental health, life in general, and how foundational early relationships can be, informing how we feel about ourselves and how we enter into relationships.

Drawing on evidence-based and culturally sensitive therapeutic modalities, mindfulness practices, and somatic healing techniques, Alonso empowers her clients to uncover the roots of their emotional struggles, build healthier boundaries, develop emotional resilience, and create fulfilling relationships. “I love getting to know people,” she says. “I love helping people feel accepted and find comfort and relief.”

What Is Parentification?

Also known as parentified child syndrome or “reverse parenting,” parentification is essentially a role reversal in the family hierarchy wherein a child is expected to take on responsibilities that are typically reserved for adults or parents, Alonso explains.

“These can be physical tasks or emotional labor, and it can either be stated to the child explicitly that this is expected of them — or the child intuits it based on the environment and what needs to happen for them to feel safe or for the family to function,” she says.

Parentification can arise for a variety of reasons. “It might come from a general sense of overwhelm the parent has, or a financial stressor, mental illness, addiction, or a medical crisis,” Alonso says. “Sometimes it can result from unresolved traumas that parents have not worked through.”

One systematic literature review also highlights dysfunctional family dynamics (such as domestic partner violence) and migration (for example, if the parents are refugees or immigrants) as catalysts.

It’s important to note that there’s a spectrum when it comes to parentification. “Some people may have experienced it to a lesser degree, while others may have experienced it to a larger degree,” Alonso explains. “Also, people may spend different amounts of time experiencing parentification.”

It’s also important to know that parentification doesn’t just affect us throughout our earlier years, but it can continue affecting our sense of self and our relationships into adulthood. Read on for some of the signs you might have experienced parentification.

Common Signs of Parentification in Adulthood

• You feel out of touch with yourself. As human beings, we have a basic need for attachment to our caregivers for survival, as well as a need for authenticity and expression of ourselves, Alonso says. When children are told or intuit that love and acceptance from their caregivers is conditional, they are likely to repress their own needs — and this is something that is often carried into adulthood, so much so that we don’t even know our deepest selves.
• You find yourself people-pleasing. According to Alonso, “We worry, as children who have been parentified, that our parents will feel disappointed or upset, or we’ll be punished, or our parents will fall apart. We learn to put our needs to the side and prioritize the needs of others.” This maladaptive coping mechanism often extends into adulthood.
• You might struggle with guilt, anxiety, and overwhelm. Parentified individuals tend to be guilt-prone, feel an immense sense of responsibility for others, and overcommit or overextend themselves, which can lead to anxiety, overwhelm, and burnout, per Alonso. Moreover, this intense emotional load can make it difficult to feel grounded and present in your daily life.
• You don’t feel deeply connected in your relationships. As a result of parentification, there is often a lack of trust that others will be able to handle our emotions or what we need, Alonso notes. This makes it especially difficult to feel safe in being open and vulnerable, which can lead to imbalanced relationships.
• You have a hard time communicating your needs. Because the parentified child has practiced looking outward for much of their life in their attempt to pacify others, they might struggle with self-expression.

Why Is Healing Parentification So Important?

For the majority of us, the effects of parentification wedge themselves deeply into our being — and they often affect our relationships with ourselves and others in adulthood, Alonso tells us. “Children who prioritize the needs of their parents and put their own needs on the back burner have to give up being authentic and asking for what they need in order to have an attachment to their parents, which is essential to survival,” she says.

And per the aforementioned systematic literature review, parentified children have higher rates of depression, anxiety, drug use and addiction, underemployment and unemployment, poor physical health, and lower educational attainment.

Although parentification isn’t something that anyone would ask for, it may often be an impetus for a wonderful opportunity: getting to know our whole selves and consciously creating fulfilling, balanced relationships. When we approach healing the parentification wound from a holistic perspective that addresses intellectual, emotional, and somatic work, we may deepen our understanding of ourselves and our needs and nurture our emotional resilience.

6 Mental and Emotional Benefits of Healing the Parentification Wound

“Parentification is essentially neglect — or the dismissal of our emotional, and sometimes physical, needs,” says Alonso. And so it might feel overwhelming to explore our emotional landscape.

“The first step to healing would be to get curious enough about ourselves and really slow down and take the time to get to know: ‘What am I experiencing as an individual right now? What are my emotions? What are my needs? What are my concerns?’,” she says. “Once you’re able to really know what you’re feeling and use that data to make choices that might feel hard, but right for you, then there are lots of benefits that can come from that.”

Read on for some of the most life-altering shifts that may come from this kind of healing journey.

1. You may gain a deep understanding of who you are at your core.

As you begin to heal your past, you begin to understand yourself as an individual, who you are, and what you need, Alonso shares.

Only then can you make choices that feel more fulfilling because they are in alignment with who you truly are — and not what you think other people want from you.

2. You may create more fulfilling relationships with better boundaries.

According to Alonso, “Once we realize what we need, we can be more proactive about the kinds of relationships that we want to enter and that we want to nurture and spend more time in, whether that’s friendships, romantic relationships, or family relationships.”

Understanding our boundaries is another outcome of getting in touch with ourselves, which Alonso notes is key to establishing a more fulfilling social and romantic life.

3. You may build self-compassion and self-care into your life.

Healing parentification involves mindfully spending time with yourself, getting to know yourself, and giving yourself the opportunity to be in environments that feel comforting and nurturing, per Alonso.

“It builds your ability for self-compassion and self-care — and that’s such an important thing for us to be able to have in a world where there’s so much opportunity for us to feel depleted,” she says.

Science has shown that cultivating self-compassion offers a multitude of benefits. For example, one study linked self-compassion with reduced stress and the increase of healthier behaviors.

4. You may feel a sense of emotional freedom.

Healing means gaining some freedom from the chronic, intense feelings of guilt and feeling overly responsible, per Alonso.

“This is usually something that comes up in the context of relationships, when we consistently put other people first, without ever thinking of ourselves,” she says. “As you begin to heal from parentification, you will also consider yourself, and make peace knowing that you’re not necessarily doing anything wrong. [That] you also deserve to have some space and to have some rest — and over time this will get easier.”

5. You may be more authentic and vulnerable with others.

“As you begin to pay more attention to your emotional needs, you’ll find that you have more of a capacity to be vulnerable and authentic — and you can show up as who you are and how you’re feeling and be accepted by others,” says Alonso. “Sometimes because we’re so afraid of being overwhelmed by the emotionality of other people, we tend to flee the emotional moments in relationships. But these are really the moments that build connection — and we have to be able to tolerate them.”

For example, one study of communication between spouses found that a key to more satisfying relationships is regular communication and vulnerability.

6. Your self-worth, self-confidence, and overall emotional health may dramatically improve.

Per a recent analysis, parentification is linked to poor self-concept. Therefore, as you step into who you are and allow your emotions to surface, you begin to cultivate a deep sense of self-acceptance, self-worth, and self-esteem, Alonso notes.

Our emotional regulation also improves as we gain awareness over what’s happening inside us. “We first have to be aware of what’s happening so that we can self-soothe, or seek help from other people that we trust,” says Alonso.

The Bottom Line

While we might not have had much autonomy or control as a child, we have the power to take care of ourselves as adults. This means having the courage and willingness to fully see and be with our whole selves.

For the parentified child, it’s not always easy to make space for our emotions and our needs. It can take time. But with the right support and tools, we can absolutely heal our childhood wounds and step into the most authentic, emotionally regulated, resilient, joyful, and loving person we were meant to be.