To be human means to experience fear in life. The fact is, feeling afraid is something the majority of us won’t be able to sidestep. So it’s a good thing that when it comes to fear, the goal isn’t to avoid fear altogether. It’s to learn how to manage our fear so it doesn’t overtake our lives.
“Fear can trap us in this place of feeling stuck, low, and frustrated — but unable to take steps forward,” says Alex Pett, a resilience coach and DailyOM course creator. “It can completely take over your thinking, stop you from taking any risks, or doing anything outside your comfort zone.”
And because “the only way out is through,” increasing your resilience to fear can change every aspect of your life, from your physical and emotional well-being to your relationships and even how much money you make. Read on for how to get started.
Interested in learning more? Check out Don’t Shrink Yourself to Fit Your Fears.
Alex Pett is a highly acclaimed resilience coach, trainer, speaker, podcaster, and author who helps people build resilience to fear, stress, and stuckness through both the mind and the body. A former lawyer, she draws on her background in transformational coaching, neuro-linguistic programming, somatic work, and the latest neuroscience research to help people all over the world reduce fear and shame, increase self-trust and confidence, and live a more authentic life. “I know what it’s like to live suffocated by fear, and I don’t want anyone to get stuck in that place,” she says. “Fear can feel like such a prison, and a lot of what I do is showing people the keys to overcoming it.”
Although many of us think of fear as an automatic response to stress, Pett says that’s not entirely true. It’s actually part instinct, part learned, and part taught.
According to Pett, some of our fears are instinctive. “Pain, for example, causes fear because of its implications for survival,” she explains. This is why small children will often burst into tears immediately even after a minor fall, in response to them feeling afraid and not their actual injury.
The other kind of fears we experience are those we’ve picked up along our paths. “We learn to be afraid of certain people, places, or situations because of negative associations and past experiences,” explains Pett. “The problem is that this fear can embed itself in how you see the world, whether that’s in limiting beliefs you have about yourself and what’s possible for you, or through something like a very negative mindset. Anticipatory fear, or feeling scared of something that isn’t happening yet, is a big challenge for many of us; catastrophizing is also very common, as is a persistent dread about the future.”
In short, fear is the number one thing that holds most people back in life. It keeps us feeling “stuck in the mud,” unable to take action and change our lives, no matter how much we crave said change.
Fear is like a double-edged sword, Pett tells us. “It can prevent you from connecting to others because you fear being vulnerable, and it will make it impossible to be yourself,” she says. “Things like fear of failure, rejection, or even success stop us from living our potential — and most people don’t do well in life if they’re not living fully as who they are. Authenticity is key to happiness, yet it’s very hard [to embody] if you have a lot of fear.”
Speaking of not being able to live an authentic life, Pett points out that another side effect of chronic fear is the onset of unhealthy coping mechanisms like people-pleasing, perfectionism, and procrastination. These learned behaviors keep us small and can prevent self-actualization.
Pett adds that fear can also wreak havoc on your physical well-being — on brain health, in particular. “You might stay up all night feeling anxious, so you don’t get sleep. Or you might feel too afraid to leave the house some days, so you don’t get sunlight. Social anxiety can stop you from getting vital social connections.”
According to one study, not getting a full eight hours of sleep is connected to intrusive, repetitive thoughts that are very common with people who experience anxiety.
Bolstering your resilience to fear changes your relationship to fear. Fear then becomes something that’s part of your life, and not the ruler of your life. “By focusing on changing our mindset, challenging fearful habits, and strengthening self-belief, we can uproot its dominance in our lives,” says Pett.
With that, she shares more on how working through fear will better every aspect of your everyday life and overall well-being.
“Fear makes it hard to be with our own thoughts, and clouds our judgment and inner narratives,” Pett shares. “When you have less fear, you’ll feel calmer, enjoy life more, and be able to make things happen in your life.” By cultivating this kind of inner work through awareness and self-compassion, you’ll be on your way to better thinking and a more peaceful life experience.
According to Pett, “Fear is a prison — but it’s actually a prison of our own making because it teaches us to see limits that often only exist in our mind,” she says. “When the fear goes, so do the limits.”
This means you’ll be free to pursue new, more fulfilling relationships, career paths, and other heart-led desires and opportunities.
“Anxious habits and fearful narratives travel down generations and ripple through relationships — and so does shame,” Pett shares.
She adds that making changes to your mindset and habits will trickle down into the next generation and the people around you, whether or not you have kids.
“Fear is something we feel very physically, and so, of course, it affects the body,” Pett says. “We now know that anxiety is associated with a number of physical problems, including cardiac disorders, hypertension, and gastrointestinal problems. A different relationship with fear can be protective of our future physical health, as well as emotional and mental health.”
There’s no shortage of scientific evidence that points to fear’s damaging effects on our physical health. Among the literature: A 2024 study linked chronic pain in children with clinical anxiety. In 2020, researchers found that prolonged fear and anxiety diminished sperm health. And a study from 2017 found that anxiety significantly worsens symptoms for postmenopausal women.
The majority of our learned fear has come from situations in our past — and every time we relive these experiences, we go back there again, Pett explains.
“It can make us feel stuck in the past, and it can mean we blame others or have a victim mindset,” says Pett. “Breaking the tie to fear can mean breaking the tie to the past — which is often why it feels hard to do, but also why it’s so liberating.”
Fear takes up a lot of space in our lives, Pett tells us. For example, catastrophizing circumstances because of your fears can cause illness and exhaustion and consume a lot of brainpower.
“When you make less space for fear, you start making more space for other things,” she continues. “And without the fear in the way, those things can be more intentional and aligned with who you are. So you have more space for joy, pleasure, fun, and being your authentic self.”
For many of us, fear is a driving force in our lives — but it doesn’t have to be. While overcoming fear is a process that requires a mix of tools and strategies for both the body and mind, it’s one that’s accessible to all.
When we successfully build compassionate resilience to our fears, our world opens up. We’re able to be our authentic selves, with the confidence and courage to move forward and create joy, purpose, and meaning in our lives.
